My good friend, Wayne, of 'Random Stream of Consciousness', started applying his writing skills to this little venture some time ago, and I'm so blown away by his set pieces that I just had to jump in and join in the fun.
The rules are as follows:
'Five Sentence Fiction is about packing a powerful punch in a tiny fist. Each week I (Lillie McFerrin) will post a one word inspiration, then anyone wishing to participate will write a five sentence short story based on the prompt word. The word does not have to appear in your five sentences, just use it for direction.'
This week's word is: DETOUR.
~
His cage fighter senses screamed at him to get to his feet before the next flurry of blows crashed down upon him as blood ran freely from the cut over his left eye, his hands open and ready to deflect the impending blows as he got to his feet.
He'd been in bloody fights in the cage before, but the sheer violence assaulting his muscular, tattooed frame was on a level that he knew instinctively could threaten his very life.
Suffering years of repeated abuse, the scars and bruises excused by his grappling and pummelling at the mixed martial arts gym, he had never once raised a hand in retaliation, always relying on calming words and placating gestures of submission, but now he was backed into a tight corner, glinting light reflecting off the razor-edge of the carving knife as it slashed a dance of death toward him.
Fiery pain seared down his forearm as he blocked the downward thrust, his right fist slamming into his wife's chin sending her sprawling and unconscious to the linoleum floor.
Grabbing his wallet, car keys and a hastily packed bag of clothes he was finally breaking away from the ten years of physical abuse he endured at the hands of his wife as he slammed the door, to what he used to call home, behind him.
Grabbing his wallet, car keys and a hastily packed bag of clothes he was finally breaking away from the ten years of physical abuse he endured at the hands of his wife as he slammed the door, to what he used to call home, behind him.
~
Copyright © 2012 by Mark Kelly
nice twist at the end - welcome to the FSF club!
ReplyDeleteWow! That was awesome :) I only started about a month ago myself. I really liked it, no-one ever talks about spousal abuse at the hands of the wife, and I loved the style, it had me gripped from the start.
ReplyDeleteThank you - that means a lot to me as someone who has a difficult time considering himself to be a 'writer'. Thank you again.
Deletegreat center of gravity of a story... do you see the whole idea/story in your head first or as you write. when i used to write, i saw the whole thing first, put a face using people i knew and then would write til done.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question: it starts with an initial thought, maybe one line or a piece of dialogue, then it grows from that. I wish I could say it was more thought out and planned carefully, but I think my quality of writing reflects the lack of planning.
DeleteBut I prefer the discovery of what I'm writing as I write it, I find it more exciting that way, not exactly knowing myself where it is going or what the character/s might do? I suppose in a way, that makes me a self 'writer' ;)
Mark! Welcome to the club my friend. Now the pupil becomes the master... Only joking matey, this is great stuff. I haven't got the knack of doing the 180 degree turn at the end of these yet. I haven't done Detour yet, so I'll have a bash tonight.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
W.
wow powerful stuff! good twist at the end :) glad im not the only newbie to the fsf :0 x
ReplyDeleteInteresting twist there. You don't hear much about battered husbands.
ReplyDeleteI really had no idea where this was heading. Very realistic, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence seems awkward. I think it's trying to work too hard. The third is much longer, but flows better an is more focused.
Good job.
JzB
I'd agree with you there. I think it's because I'm trying to cram too much in, when in reality I should be more economic. Appreciate the comments - thank you :)
DeleteThere - did a little edit, so hopefully it scans less awkwardly :)
DeleteA powerful story with a vicious sting. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteWe always think of men as the abusers, and the statistics support this assumption-but it does happen just as you have written. I wish this kind of violence were non-existent-the damage wreaked leaves scars far deeper than the outside evidence.
ReplyDeleteA great entry into the addicting world Lillie has created. Welcome!
Oh, one spelling suggestion: linoleum. Cheers!
Hey, Britton, thanks for stopping by and your comments - much appreciated :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I looked up linoleum on http://www.thefreedictionary.com - and usually if there is a spelling error it will not accept the word, but as I typed it spelt with an 'i' instead of an 'e', it accepted it and I thought, 'great!' I should have scanned down the page, for further down was the spelling as you so rightly suggested... doh!
Lesson learned: read the page! ;)
Nice twist at the end there.
ReplyDeleteYou sure packed a punch into that!
ReplyDeleteThank you Deborah - coming from you, that's praise indeed :)
DeleteI thought that was a great piece of writing. Incredibly powerful and raw.
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it. Thank you for commenting :)
DeleteHey Mark, good to finally see you at FSF.
ReplyDeleteLoved your piece - deep, intense & what a great twist at the end!
Appreciate your comments, always good to hear from established FSF writers :)
DeleteExcellent piece, Mark. Very powerful take on a subject matter that is still, unfortunately, not discussed as openly as it should be.
ReplyDeleteIf I may offer you just two bits of editing advice. You can tighten up that first sentence and still make all your points if you eliminate some of the repetition. For example: Blood ran freely from the cut over his left eye, his open hands ready to deflect the next flurry of blows, as his cage fighter senses screamed at him to get to his feet.
And add the word "now" after "assaulting his frame" in the second paragraph for clarity.
Hope I haven't offended you, because this is really a powerful piece of writing and a great FSF piece. Welcome! You're a natural.
Always appreciate advice from fellow writers/bloggers. Great to have you here at the Hearth. Thank you once again.
DeleteGreat introduction to FSF Mark. Thoroughly enjoyed the story, which took me on a journey I wasn't expecting, and a strong first piece! You'll find FSF really helps and tightens up your writing, it did mine!
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa, I'll be popping by your blog very soon. Really appreciate your comments :)
Deleteyou got a lot out of those 5 sentences.
ReplyDeleteWas unsure where this was going in such a short read, but the twist at the end nailed it :o))
ReplyDelete